After my previous break up I spent a lot of alone time. I spent weekends going on walks, catching up with old friends, cooking new recipes and just treating myself. and then I got into another relationship. I told myself that this time, I’ll make sure I remember how to hang out with myself despite having a partner. but then time passed, and eventually I couldn’t remember the last time I went out on my own for an entire day. If I had an empty day, my first thought was to hang out with him or another friend. I know it’s not just because of the relationship; it’s also just the chaos of every day life. and so today I finally went out by myself. Took myself out on a date. And I felt feelings that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt just a little more proud and happy of who I am. I felt selfish in a good way. I felt relieved to know that even if I neglect her (me?) unintentionally for a while, she’s always there when I need her.

I’m overworked and underpaid

My heart hurts... I don't know how much longer I can go on for. I looked at the pack of medication and started to open it. One by One. But I could not do it. I only took 4... The funny thing is I called my GP this morning to see I could get antidepressants, but they didn't have any appointments left, is this the universe telling me it's time? This is not the first time I did this. I have tried twice already. How weak does this make me, I can't actually go through it but at the same time, I am too weak to keep on going? None of my friends know about this, I put a happy face on for everyone. Knowing that my own mum thinks I am a whore, stupid, a waste of space, selfish goes through my head. I want to prove her wrong but I am too weak

I have this question engraved on the inside of my bangle bracelet. When I got it, I thought it would remind and inspire me to become that person I wanted to be - someone who has their shit together, who is the best version of themselves, and who somehow excels at everything whilst making it look effortless. But it’s not that easy. It never is. And so I’m learning that maybe becoming the person I want to be is more about becoming someone who can still love and accept themselves even when they aren’t always their best selves - someone who can respond to trip ups with kindness - someone who knows that their value isn’t defined by the bad days but the number of times they pick themselves up.

Today in class we had to present a business idea and pitch it in front of our 25 classmates. I’m usually someone who HATES speaking up - I don’t like the attention, I worry about what other people think, and I get scared that I’ll forget what I’m meant to say. But alas, I couldn’t avoid it today when our lecturer made us do it. The entire time other people were presenting, I could only focus on trying to perfect my own presentation in my head. I hated every step I took to get to the front of the class. But I did it anyways. I don’t remember most of what I said, except for the fact that I stumbled about five times, repeated the word ‘like’ about twenty times, and ended my pitch with the words ‘so…yeah!’. But what really struck me was what my professor said after it all. He said he was glad to see all of us do it, because even though not all of us may have had the confidence, we all had the competence. That really stuck with me - not only because the words were a beautiful alliteration and rhymed, but because I realised how often I confuse the two. If I’m not confident about something (which can happen often) I automatically resort to thinking that I must not be competent at it - but that doesn’t always have to be the case. Realising this made me wonder how many opportunities in life I must have missed until now just because I didn’t feel confident, even though I might have had the skills. My only hope is that I can carry this idea with me into the future and be a little braver each time I reach the end of my comfort zone.

So I’m a bit of a late bloomer and have only dated one guy. We started chatting in June last year but because of COVID we didn’t start meeting up in person till the end of October. We hit it off pretty well and he was very into it. He said from the start he wants a relationship and moved the whole thing pretty quickly. He called me his girlfriend after 5 dates and would wanna plan things for the future like going away for a weekend. I ended up sleeping with him (my first time) and a week later in December things ended. He pretty much said that he can’t give me 100% at the moment and that he doesn’t deserve me. The conversation was very confusing and he would jump from wanting to slow things down to taking a break. He said that he’s afraid I might be a rebound for him because a girl at his work played around with his feelings and he doesn’t want to hurt me because he cares about me. He said he wants to work on himself and be better for me but needs to do it alone. He said I was the right person but at the wrong time. At one point he said I could really see you being the one. Part of me believes everything he said and is hurt because I thought things were going well but the other half feels like it’s all bullshit and that he didn’t have the guts to tell me he realised he just didn’t like me that much. I ended up being the one to say let’s end things so he can sort his shit out and once he does to message me and see where we individually are at. Have I been played? Should I bother waiting around or should I just move on? I’ve tried redownloading dating apps but just end up feeling guilty.

I’ve had my fair share of struggling with my body. Anyone who’s had an eating disorder will know that you never really fully detach from it; the habits, the thought-patterns, the mindset of those days might die down but it never fully goes away. At least that’s how it’s been for me. The worst period of my struggles with eating/exercise/weight/body-image have already long passed years ago. And yet, even though now I can live life fully without worrying too much about those things, the smallest things still trigger an alarm in my head. It sends me spiraling down into the old dialogues that ran me into a full-on eating disorder. Right now I’m at the point where I’m trying to be indifferent about the way my body looks, eat without overthinking it, and move in a way that feels comfortable. Especially during the holiday period, I’ve been giving myself the freedom to just let things be. Do reign in the need to control how much I eat or to feel guilty for lying around all day. And yet, when so many people close to me mention weight-loss as their new-years resolution, I can’t help but feel a tight knot in my heart. Around the dinner table, people would announce ‘I want to lose 5kg this year’ ‘I’m going for 10!’. This year wasn’t the first time either. I remember two years ago in Spanish class when the teacher asked for our New Years' resolution, the girl sitting next to me said that she wanted to lose weight. I was shocked - because she was far from being overweight, and yes, she was definitely skinnier than me. So why did she feel the need to lose more weight? Should I be trying to lose weight as well since I’m bigger than her? All of the people around me this year who also mentioned weight-loss as their goal definitely don’t need to either. But why do I feel so triggered by it even when it won’t directly affect me? Maybe it’s because I feel like I shouldn’t or I’m not supposed to state weight-loss as my resolution since the last time I tried to do that, I came out with an eating disorder. Maybe I’m sick and tired of this stupid diet culture, and how shallow it’s made everyone - why can’t people strive to learn new things? Pick up a hobby? Become a better friend? Maybe I’m scared that everyone else will stick to their resolutions and get their dream body whilst I’m stuck in a place of wanting to change but feeling like I need to be defiant and stand up for body acceptance. I just felt so frustrated after a while at the dinner table. The only thing I could do in that moment was to just say that my new-years resolutions are to pick up a new hobby and find a job.

Today I was driving through the countryside and as I watched the vast expanses of the open field and the cold winter sky, I wished time could stop. That everything in this world could come to a halt - except for me. There are a million things I want to think about - without being interrupted by life, and other things to think about. My future, my relationship, what I really want out of life. And yet, like that car, everything keeps moving. I just hope it doesn’t get too fast that I get numb to the quickly vanishing scene around me.

I know first hand that i can be a real bitch during my period. I’m constantly moody, all of my emotions are heightened, I get triggered easily, and all I wanna do is watch Netflix on the couch whilst I eat some chocolate. I wouldn’t want to be around me on my period. And yet, he stays. He doesn’t take my snarky comments personally. He continues to ask if I’m ok; even though I always say I am and we both know I’m not. He lets me sulk alone when I need to. He doesn’t point out how unreasonable I’m being, because he knows that I know. He’ll share stories of times he messed up, just so I feel a little better about myself. When all I’ve been doing is complaining about everything and anything, when I’m hating the person that I am on that day, and when I’m about to break down, he’ll give me the warmest, all-encompassing, soul-restoring hug in the world. And that’s when I realise that the person who can handle me at my worst, is the person I need to love, appreciate and hold on to the most - in hopes that some day I can do the same for them.

- graduated university - spent 4 months at home in my sisters room - fell in love - lost a grand parent - cancelled many plans thanks to covid - managed to do two summer internships - started running - spent many hours chatting with friends over video calls - realised I didnt want a corporate job yet - met some incredible mentors - started learning how to cook better - spoke to my ex for the last time ever - quit a part time internship for a start up I loved - spent a lot of time thinking and worrying about the future - learnt that I can’t control the future - had many nights of long big cooks followed by great chats with an even better company - moved into a new flat with a new flatmate - danced a lot on just dance - learnt that I need lots of alone time to be my best self when with others - was welcomed into a new home away from home - got more sleep without the guilt - watched more marvel films than in the rest of my life combined - started singing lessons - got really into personality tests - embraced my introverted self - realised that when I look back at the year, there was more growth, learning and perseverance than I give myself credit for + that the things I remember the most are moments with people I love here’s to a fantastic year, and hoping next year will be even better x

Recently, I was indulging in my version of self-care, watching Matt D'Avella's videos when I stumbled across this one - Is Self care turning you into a narcissist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICdS3mLcaNI&ab_channel=MattD'Avella. As with most videos, I've just put it on with no intention of applying anything to my life. See also: How to make X extremely complicated, 72 hour meal at home or makeover your entire kitchen for £120,339,293! But then, he mentioned something along the lines of how self-care is an excuse to push friends away and I almost immediately felt called out. I was @-ed. How many times have you seen 'normalise cancelling plans when you're tired'; 'you shouldn't need an excuse to put yourself first'; the whole of 'Women don't owe you pretty' mantra. At first, it was inconceivable. I kept asking myself (and my friends) how anyone would have any friends if they treated other people like that. And then, it started creeping into my life: - plans being cancelled because of being tired - not turning up to something you committed to because you 'don't feel like it' - not doing what's best for someone else because 'ultimately, you have to do you' And what do I or the person end up doing instead? Sitting in bed watching reruns of the same tv shows, drinking alone and losing touch with life-long friends because why should I bother reaching out if they don't? I have my own shit going on too. I'm not proposing you run yourself to the ground until you're sick or go on tolerating toxic, one-sided relationships. I just mean that maybe we're all too comfortable in our complacent little bubble hidden behind the facade of 'self-care'. Is self-care turning me into a narcisist? I don't know. But it's definitely an excuse that I use to be a lazy, unforgiving, selfish human being.

Not to stereotype or anything but do heterosexual relationships just work better when the guy is slightly more into it than the girl?

i think i've always been a 'health-conscious' person; not necessarily a 'healthy' person, but I did give more than two shits about what I ate and whether I was doing enough exercise. having gone through an eating disorder back in high school, I've swung to extremes in terms of my physique but never quite felt like i'd nailed this 'healthy lifestyle' thing completely. i think the problem has always been my perfectionist tendencies. unless my exercise was on point for consecutive weeks, and I was eating super-healthy, I always felt like I fell short. this also applied to how I felt about my body - like it was never good enough. even when I did manage to keep up my good habits for a few weeks, I still felt like a fraud to be considered a really 'healthy person' because I didn't look like it. i didn't have the body that screamed 'healthy person'. i was still soft in different places. but then after watching a ted talk by Michael Greger, i had a mini-epiphany. that health has absolutely NOTHING to do with how i look, and EVERYTHING to do with whether i was actually h.e.a.l.t.h.y - in the sense of not having diseases, not subjecting myself to risk of cancer, not overloading my internal system with things that are just not good for my body. I guess it's weird that this feels like an epiphany - obviously being healthy is about a well-functioning, disease-free body. But for the longest time, i had equated health with a certain body type. Going forward, I hope that my mind won't be plagued by a physique-centred approach to health. I hope that I remind myself that it doesn't matter what my body looks like. I hope that I remember to take care of my body because I want to live a long, fulfilling life, full of energy and free of disease.

You know the best what makes you happy and healthy. And if people in your life judge you and your decisions to accomplish that, it's ok to let them go and not be a part of it anymore. No matter what current societal stigmas oblige us to do or be like, there is a limit to how much you can be polite about for "things to be good".

i recently started reading emily ratajkowski's book 'my body'. i came across this book because I saw someone recommend it on social media, and started reading it without really knowing who exactly she was. it became clear as I read that she's a super-model who also featured in robin thicke's blurred lines music video. the book itself is actually a really insightful autobiography that explores the nuances of female beauty, the commodification of it, what feminism really means, and how to make sense of living in the bodies that we have. it discusses how girls are raised to question themselves constantly, engage in the comparison game, and somehow come out of it knowing exactly what we want for ourselves. i was really enjoying the book up until about halfway, when i decided to actually google who this emily ratajkowski person is - i was met with images of an extremely attractive, 'typical' Hollywood model. obviously i should've expected that knowing that she was a model. but as i continued digging around her Instagram, the more i noticed myself finding it hard that this woman was the person behind everything i was reading. her feed was just like any other hot celebrities; pixels of her in her bikini, posing with her perfect abs, flawless make up, dressed in gorgeous dresses, going on extravagant holidays, living that 'insta-worthy' life. i guess the truth is, i had a gross assumption that these kinds of people had it easy. and that people who had the time to curate such a perfect-looking life must be so self-absorbed that they wouldn't have the mental capacity to deeply explore complex topics, let alone write about it so eloquently. i was partly feeling guilty for the assumptions i had made. but i also couldn't help feeling like her words started to carry less weight after seeing all those images. there was just such a disconnect between the contemplative words she wrote and the surface level flashy photos online. i don't know whether my reading of the remainder of the book has been altered simply by the fact that i now know the face (and body) behind the words. does that make me a bad person? that all of a sudden i struggle to take in her words as seriously because i saw what she looks like?

I saw this post on Instagram that explained my current situation. "I have anxiety because I am not doing my university work but I can't start my university work because it is giving me anxiety"

Interesting that we're probably the first generation in a while to have a shorter life expectancy than our preceding generations purely because of the planet's impending expiry, so people in their 20s are literally in unprecedented times: imagine how different people's life choices would be if they were saving/spending for a 50 year life instead of 70 or 80? Imagine how the world of work would change? How would retirement? How would the rates of marriage and family change, and also the ages?

I don’t think it's a mystery that people are more scared of getting into relationships because of some past trauma. A bad breakup, divorced parents, some childhood memory that’s preventing you from seeing the value of a consistent, monogamous partner, the very real fear that another person, potentially better suited to you, is another swipe away. At the beginning of the year, I would've said I was a long-term relationship gal. A find-me-a-husband, I want to settle down kind of person. Arguably even now, I see the value of having one partner - someone who knows everything about you, that one spot on your back that always gets tense, how you like your steak done, and all the baggage that you have. In fact, I started this post two months ago. It was originally titled 'my best friend is a fuckboy' but recently, we've all agreed that the tables might've turned. Within these two months, she's gone from self-destructing good relationships because she was scared of getting hurt to telling her boyfriend that she loves him. Conversely, I've gone from husband-hunting to almost feeling unable to settle. 'Serial monogamy' was a term I used to describe her and is now more of what captures me. I don’t know if it’s a consequence of getting hurt, or feeling like no one can ever compare to that one who got away but it sucks knowing you’re throwing something that could be perfect away just because your body is seeking an unstable, agonising situationship, instead. I know the grass just seems greener on the other side and that's what sucks. I'm never fully content where I am.

i like to think that generally im an optimistic, glass-half-full kinda person (even though im also an anxious over-thinker at times, but lets ignore that for now). unfortunately, this also means that on occasion, i have to deal with an unfortunate side-effect of this mentality, which is feeling bad about feeling bad. recently though, i came across a framework for handling challenging emotions. it was briefly mentioned in a podcast episode but as i dug deeper into it, i came to realise and apply the benefits of this approach. it's called 'the RAIN method' - something invented by Tara Brach, a psychologist, author and spiritual guru of sorts. The RAIN in this case, is an acronym for Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. I cannot even begin to tell how much this has helped me. Basically every time I feel uncomfortable, I try to recognise what that feeling is - often times i'm not just 'feeling crap', i'm actually overwhelmed, or anxious, or hungry, or just bored. identifying the feeling helps me with the third step, but before i get to that, i mentally say to myself 'im going to allow myself to feel this way' (the A). it sounds cheesy af, but that permission is so important for someone who feels like they shouldn't be feeling bad. then, i move on to investigate why im feeling the feeling identified in step 1; actually being curious allows me to step away from the emotion for a second and externalise the situation. and finally, my favourite step is nurture. This is where i get to ask myself 'what can i do to help me feel better?' - again, cheesy, but phrasing it in this way allows me to really think of a solution that is helpful. maybe its just taking a shower or having a quiet night to myself. the point is, when i ask myself this, i hardly ever answer 'just go eat random food' or 'go scroll on instagram'. i'm able to be more mindful and kind to myself. i know it sounds like its one of those 'easier said than done' stuff, but the acronym makes it easy to remember the steps and go through it swiftly, so it's actually quite easy to do. it has been such a game-changer and i hope it might help someone else too (: