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thoughtsinmy20s
May 22, 2022
In Feelings in my 20s
I feel terrible saying this but I just want my parents to get a divorce. I want all the crying and arguing to stop. This is exhausting for everyone
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thoughtsinmy20s
Nov 06, 2021
In Mental health in my 20s
How many times a day do you hear "You have to learn to love yourself" from someone on TV or a friend? By now, it's nearly a law. But when was the last time you heard someone express that they truly love themselves? Life is more difficult and confusing now than it was a few decades previously. Someone else always seems to be more successful, prettier, or happy than you. Self-love is credited as a spiritual answer to mental health difficulties and even drug addiction rehabilitation, with mental health awareness at the forefront of most people's minds. However, self-love workshops might cost as much as a month's rent. Is self-love only for the rich? And does anybody know what self-love is? Self-love, simply accepting yourself (flaws and all) thus choosing to love who you are, is a great thing. We should all love ourselves! The world would be a perkier place if we all stopped shitting on ourselves, but the problem is every media outlet, social media messaging and existing in the western world encourages self-hatred. Consuming photoshopped images, binging MTV shows where 16-year-olds throw fits over gifted luxury cars that aren't the 'right colour' and strangers in the street hiding their failures behind smiles is treacherous territory. To escape unscathed, to NOT hate yourself, is nothing short of a miracle. You see, there are a lot of facades. It seems to be really 'cool' and 'funny' to downplay yourself. So many people put up pretty pictures of themselves online captioned "Ugh, im so ugly lol". Cue the "same lol" comments in 3,2,1... Are they looking for attention? Reverse psychology strategy? Do they sincerely think they are ugly? Possibly. But why would you post pictures of your face if you think it's ugly? The most plausible theory: they don't think they're COMPLETELY ugly, perhaps need a smidgen of reassurance but fear being an overbearing Kanye. The self-love dilemma is that, yes many people who are perfect hate how they look and themselves. Self-hate IS rising. On the flip-side, there are people who love themselves but risk being dubbed a cocky, self-absorbed, vain 'Kanye-type' by voicing it. Self-love says, "Yes! Love yourself! Be confident and who gives a fuck about what anyone else says!" while our socialisation stresses, "No, be humble! Saying out loud that you think you are stunning and love your life is cocky! Nobody likes self-obsessed cockiness!" How can we balance these principles? A place that amplifies radical self-love is in the lyrics of rap music. Rap lyrics have always centred on bragging about wealth, status, and beauty. I've yet to see a self-conscious rapper. The last decade has elevated more female rappers who are hyper sexual, vehemently confident and not afraid to flaunt money. This is the backbone of rap music. Is it phoney though? Recently, we've seen rappers and singers, mostly female, open up about struggling with self-confidence. Their lyrics state that they don't give a fuck what anybody says but on Instagram Live they cry over online hate. Were their lyrics all lies? Fake it 'til you make it, perhaps? Following the same format as every other rapper before you is a sure way for formulated success but how can you say you love yourself if you're too afraid to be upfront about how you really feel and who you really are? Obviously, there are those who truly do love themselves. Is self-love too much of a meaningless buzzword, however? A crutch, if you will? Excessive self-love might result in unintentional self-sabotage. Individuals sabotage themselves under the false pretext of "Oh! I can't finish my tasks because today is a self-love day!" Success is hard and taking off on 'self-love' days too often will lead you to failure eventually. Overeating, slacking off on assignments and responsibilities are just a few examples of ways people destroy themselves. In some ways, intense self-love makes us blind to reality. Because "Positive Vibes Only," smiling through suffering is disregarding how you genuinely feel. It is occasionally a falsehood. As usually, companies don't care about us. Take, for example, actress Gwyneth Paltrow's "Goop" brand. "Harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice" for only $55. Goop paid $145,000 to settle a lawsuit alleging that its eggs could control menstrual cycles, and Netflix awarded them a show! Kudos Netflix... When Gwyneth Paltrow isn't spouting nonsense, another influencer declares that rubbing her face with an electric cleaner is "revolutionary". Why is it that loving yourself comes at such a high cost? Love is free! You don't need to buy a sheet mask to love yourself.  Perhaps it's because the meaning of self-love is being drained away to make space for big business. As self-love has become a cliché, the number of untrained self-love "activists" who use the movement as an aesthetic has increased. Self-love morning rituals are often uploaded to YouTube, but when did self-love have anything to do with your sponsored vegan candle? Influencers are sharing Facetuned bikini images with the phrase "Love yourself as you are," followed by rhinoplasty vlogs the next day. The hypocrisy is incredible. The final verdict is self-love is amazing. I mean REAL self-love, not using a hashtag to sell shit. Normalise expressing that you think you're pretty and you like yourself. That doesn't automatically make you vain. Things aren't always as they appear: success is easier to show off than failure. We're all floundering trying to figure life out. Self-love can help us, but not this bullshit hijacked version of self-love. *This is a more raw, re-imagined version inspired by an article I wrote for The COMM. Read that similar, better-written article here: https://the-comm.online/blog/i-love-me-more-the-growing-trend-of-radical-self-love/ *
Fake Self-Love is Bullshit, Real Self-Love is Brilliant  content media
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thoughtsinmy20s
Oct 24, 2021
In Feelings in my 20s
i recently moved into a new flat with a new flatmate - she's been my friend for years (since high school!) and i knew i was going to feel super comfortable living with her. yet, i've found myself feeling this odd sense of inadequacy when it comes to a social life. she's not studying or working at the moment so its only natural that she has more free time to make new friends, fit in plans for nights out, and go out to fitness classes with other people. i, on the other hand, am barely holding my shit together trying to stay on top of my degree, make quality time to spend with my boyfriend and maintain my own sanity that my social life has been abysmal. i've said no to more plans than ever before, because I'm constantly thinking about the endless to-do list that has engraved itself to the back of my brain. so i found myself feeling a) somewhat envious that she has all the time in the world b) mildly inadequate because i didn't have as many friends (i realise how stupid this sounds as i type it but its the truth) and c) like i was a lame hermit crab who just didn't know how to interact with others anymore. i know that im probably more introverted than i'd like to admit. and i need a lot of alone time to recharge. and i definitely prefer to have 5-8 ride-or-die BFFs rather than 50 friends that i kinda know. but the pressure to be more extroverted, chatty, and have an exciting social life has never been this strong before. i know im putting this pressure on myself, but hey, they say your environment has a huge effect on your mindset right? im trying to cope by turning to susan cain's book 'quiet' - and so far im finding it pretty helpful. this process of finding 'flaws' with myself and coming to realise that everything is actually ok is something that I'll probably repeat for the rest of my life. but for now, i just wanna feel good about/at least accepting of my introverted inner-child. i don't think i'll ever be a social butterfly. but im ok with that.
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thoughtsinmy20s
Oct 19, 2021
In Friendships in my 20s
disclaimer: this is a rather vulnerable post with slight stereotyping so please don't get too offended. last week my new uni course started and it was basically a bunch of 20-something-year-olds mingling to meet everyone/make new friends. it's been way too bloody long since i had to actively try and do that. but walking into the big hall that day with 140 of us in there, i couldn't help but notice something: everyone was already sitting in their little 'groups'. It was like a chiche american-high-school-tv-show moment, with many of the laddy British boys sitting at one table, all the seemingly conservative chinese girls at another, the mature students huddled together and so on. Obviously it wasn't 100% structured this way, but it was noticeable enough. This got me thinking about many of my friends over the years and the types of people that i naturally gravitated towards - and to be honest, they have tended to be Asian people (I'm Asian), or non-Asian people that were from an international school background. Even after 4 years of doing my undergrad in the UK, i could probably only count a handful of caucasian-ethnicity-British-friends that I felt really close to. For the longest time, this has been a weird insecurity of mine. Why couldn't i just jump into a crowd of predominantly caucasian people and just feel like i belonged there too? why did i feel... slightly inferior in these situations? Was i bad at socialising? Were people judging me? Was i judging people? And why Does everyone else have to sit in such clearly demarcated groups? Everyone seems to speak up without a second thought, but i'm constantly analysing whether what i'm about to say will come across weird, or i get worried that people think i have no personality because i'm not saying anything. i'm acutely aware of the fact that i tend to be a lot quieter in a predominantly caucasian social group. But last week we had a few seminars about 'unconscious bias', where i learnt about one specific type of bias that stuck with me: affinity bias. It's basically our psychological tendency to gravitate towards people more like ourselves. Realising that this was a universal bias that everyone needs to actively try and be more aware of, fostered a sense of relief in me - i wasn't a 'bad person' for feeling more comfortable with people similar to me. i wasn't being 'racist' or 'discriminatory', and likewise, others might also group up with those similar to them because of this unconscious bias - they aren't trying to exclude anyone, it's just something that happens that we're all unaware of. There's no morality to it. There's no need to take it personally. There's just being conscious or unconscious. The only thing I can do going forward is to 1) remember that this is just a type of automated behaviour that many of us engage in without second thoughts, 2) accept that everyone has different social settings that they feel more comfortable bringing forward their authentic selves 3) replace self-judgmental thoughts or anxious feelings with curiosity and awareness of the dialogue running in my head 4) nurture/self-soothe; i don't need to like everyone and not everyone needs to like me. i'd rather make a few friends that i feel good around, rather than force myself to make many friends that i can't be myself around. ~~~Thanks for coming to my ted talk~~~
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